Weirded out...
Yes, I was very weirded out. Seeing one of your closest friends from years ago dead in a box does wonders for one's sanity.
Watching others have the same reaction was strangely comforting. This was the first funeral of a friend, or someone I was even close with, so I was still very edgy. We approached the coffin, looked at the flowers, the photos, and the poetry. The rose. The Bible verse. The clothes he was wearing. And then his face.
I think I physically shuddered. I started to cry, I went outside, and I shook. I watched others my age do the same.
It's all very awkward. But, the only comforts I find are that he isn't suffering anymore, and that he was completely prepared for death since the day I met him.
Despite his devout Christianity and desire for evangelism, he never condemned me for dating men. We never really talked about it, that I recall. We were just friends, accepting each other's real and perceived faults, and that makes all the difference.
Cliche as it is, I'm sorry that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye... that I didn't get to give him one last hug.