gigamatic

It seemed really bright as I left for work this morning... like winter was finally over. Like uncovering your head after being buried under a pile of big, thick, downy blankets, to discover the rest of the world was already awake and moving. This only reminded me of the morning in March of 1995 when some friends and I left at 6am for Daytona Beach for Spring Break. 4 people in a Geo Metro! Woo hoo! 24 hours later, after stopping in Athens OH and Athens GA, we arrived at Denny's on the strip, across from our hotel. Yes, we were tired, and yes, we were stiff, and yes, we needed showers, but it felt good to not be in cold weather anymore.

The house hunting we've done these past couple weeks has me wondering what's in store in the near future. Yes, I have reservations. About everything. I'm fucking scared. What if we do buy a house. What if we go to war. What if one or both of us loses our job and cant make the payments. What if we get a house and something catastrophic goes wrong with it.

So much going through my head. Would I admit it, flat out, in discussion? No, but for some reason I'm letting it out here. I'm scared. That's part of the reason I want to buy a cheap house and trade up "later". I'm fucking petrified.

Maybe it's all anxiety because of ongoing budget discussions and the threat of losing my job. And final exam stress.

I loved several of the houses we looked at, and LIKED another. Almost all of them seemed like unrealistic and unattainable goals saved for someone with a 6-figure income and a trust fund.

I am fucking petrified. I got over the fear of losing him, and that took me years of him reiterating "I'm leaving I'm leaving I'm leaving." How long is it going to take me to get used to the idea of buying a house? I mean, my car loan still scares me.

I need to start playing the lottery again. Can't win if you don't play, and if I win, I can buy the house. Fer sher.

In other news, OhioJay is moving home. I can't wait.