gigamatic

so, i was sitting in class, and surfing in between notes, as to be able to stay awake.

because of the con (and the fact nobody uses my oldest email address except family), i hadnt checked email since Friday (my battery in the sidekick went dead Saturday anyway). in it was a large email from my aunt detailing the last days of my grandmother, both in words and pictures.

seeing a photo of your dead grandmother, mouth agape, within 30 minutes of her death... quite unsettling. and i question the logic. but, death does funny things to people.

my experience with seeing dead bodies is kind of minimal. zan's roommate jenny, my friend shawn... that's it. my experience with dead family members is non-existent. my grandfathers both died when i was about 18 months old. my other grandmother's still alive, and my uncles who died weren't close enough to merit my going to the memorial services, despite their being family. i'd barely met them, let alone their children, my cousins.

i've been avoiding the thought of this one. faced (almost literally) with her death knowing I saw her less than 2 months ago, and knowing she'd hung on time and time again has been emotionally draining, despite the fact that i'm ok with it. And I mean draining. I mean, I'm not sad. How could I be? She's not suffering anymore. None of us are suffering emotionally watching her wither. I got to say goodbye (again). She had a long and fulfilled, if not exciting, life. I'm just drained.

And I had been doing better till I saw the photos all taken within a week or so, and then I was drained again. So, it's gonna take a while to get back to even-keeled again. I'm not taking time off from work, because what the hell would I do?

I'm not sure if there will be a memorial service, or if so, when. I have to keep my options open for that if/when the time comes. I'm waiting to hear back from my dad regarding his latest malady, and any updates on the memorial service. I might call my mom tonight.

ok... i've got work to do. back to the grind.