Insanity
I'm starting to believe I can't get a good night's rest anymore.
Between the cat, my ongoing nightly paranoia, the not-quite nightmarish but still disturbing dreams (which made me go check all the doors), and general mental disarray... I'm ready for my medications, please...
Add all that to the fact that my folks are talking about selling their farm now. I did a "WTF?" on the phone when I heard that. I'm pretty sure I literally said the words.
"You seriously would take (x amount of money)?"
Yep. The first person who offers.
"And do what?"
Move to the city.
"Why?"
It's getting too much for us. It takes me a day just to mow the grass.
"Dad, it used to take ME a day to mow the grass."
Well, I could do it in 3 hours, but then I wouldn't be able to walk. And as it is, it's not good for me.
I'm still not sure how I feel. I told Nala that I probably wouldn't care, if I had grown up in the city, but to me, being able to return there, to enjoy the space and the silence, whether or not the house is still standing, is important. Many of the out-buildings are already gone (milk house, barn, coop, and most of the machine shed). He thinks I should talk to my mom about it, but I don't think that will do any good. If he can get that price, I won't have any say.
I don't have an extra $300/month to throw at it. I guess I need to think quickly about what I could offer. I did tell my dad to call me if he really did get an offer. He just chuckled. You see, he would actually sell it without asking me if I wanted it.
It's not about sentimentality, or memories, or anything. It's about cold hard cash, and if he could get more from somebody else, he would. I understand, but I don't like it.
For years, to believe (and even be told) that something will be yours, passed down, and then be told "sorry, you don't have enough money for it, and some stranger does" and then watch as your beloved whatever disappears into the ether... It just burns me.
I have to get over this or find a way to make it work.