gigamatic

So, there's been further action on the GigaFarm. News from GigaDad is that their neighbor is attempting to get financing for the money to buy the farm. He still doesn't know if it will happen, but he's hopeful.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to adjust to the fact that I will no longer have anyplace to go to get away, and even less of a tie to my hometown. I mean, even if my parents buy a house in town, I'll be able to go visit, but I cant see wanting to. Sure, I want to see my parents now and then, but I think this is the last of my caring to spend a weekend. And I don't see wanting to go to the fall festival if there's no farm to go see and spend time at.

I know half of this is my being depressed, ill, not sleeping well, and generally in poor spirits, but the other half isn't. I'm really upset. I cried at my desk earlier today, and that doesn't happen. Ever. Like I said, I'd be a little upset if I'd grown up in the city and they sold the house, I suppose. But this was more. And it was going to be mine. I was emotionally attached to the land.

I cant afford it. It will be gone. The coal company will buy it, too, eventually, when their neighbor gets foreclosed on, and the whole hill will be blasted away for coal, eventually to be covered back up with sumac and honey locust. Yes, I'm fucking bitter.

I can rationalize. It's not mine. It never was. It wasn't my grandparents' land... that's all gone, too. All I had was 30 years of history.

I'm just feeling squished. I have to get past this. It's just land. It's just tangible assets. Stuff. Stuff that my dad is selling and I can't afford to buy. God, I'm still carrying a grudge from the last time he did this.

Rationalizing doesn't make it feel any better.