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August 30, 2007

stuff breaking... and not braking.


things that have broken on the house in the last week:
door lock
chandelier globe
shower corner piece

things that have broken on my vehicle:
brake lights

I took the truck in at 7am this morning, only to be told that the techs dont start till 8 (they open at 7 why, then?) and the first shuttle didnt leave till 7:30. so, I arrived back at work @ 8:30. in another hour, my car MIGHT be done, meaning another shuttle back up there, and if it happened to be covered under the recall, I might not have to pay anything.

While I was typing this, THEY CALLED. It's done. So, the "hour and a half" it was going to take, really meant 30 minutes. I could've waited. Sigh.

August 25, 2007

alles gut

My new Q isnt working. At all. Hasnt in 2 days. Tried to call Sprint, but I dont have a half-hour or more to waste on the other phone (which doesnt generally work well, either).

My grandmother turns 90 in 2 weeks, exactly. There's a project for each of her 12 grandchildren to mail her recent photos and a card. I'm hoping everyone does, AND that she also gets photos of all her great grandchildren and great great (!) grandchildren.

I'm trying to do a "last known" count of all of the great grandchildren... 3+4+3+2+3+3 (at least) in one family... 5+0+0+1+0 in the other. What's that, 24? And I know there's at least 2 great greats in the first group. My oldest cousin is in his 50s, and my youngest is around 30. It's just odd for me to think that my grandmother is a GREAT GREAT grandmother at 90, when my other grandmother wasn't even a great grandmother when she died, and she was closing in on 100.

At any rate, it was decided that a party with that many people (68 if you include spouses, plus any little kids) would be way too many for my grandmother to deal with, so that's why there's a photo project instead.

And I'm going to go see her on her birthday. Dad's going to take her out for the day to the farm and they'll have cake or pie and a nice dinner, and she'll get to enjoy the great outdoors for a while.

Ok, I'm all sticky and gross... I think it's time for me to shower and then try to get Nala to go run errands with me.

August 20, 2007

one thing that makes me laugh now...

I have a TARDIS in my pocket and it keeps materializing and de-materializing about 15 minutes before I'm supposed to be somewhere.

Now, if I could just get that sonic screwdriver to quit randomly going off.

motherf*cker, i just about broke


i've gotten fat, right?
i've been totally flipping out?
lack of sleep?
bullshit stress from all directions?

i nearly crashed this morning.

i went to the gym. i felt ok. i pushed myself harder, faster, because i wanted to make sure to get my heart rate up.

well, i did. boy did i. higher than ever.
and i felt, well... good. exhausted, but good.

but, my adrenaline was also up. and, i took a hot shower.
and then, i almost fainted.

seriously. wtf.
I've been REALLY REALLY good for the last 10 years, as far as EATING REGULARLY, and in mass quantities. I haven't had anything like this since I was living alone, biking 6 miles every day to work and back.

All of the same symptoms came back. I know what I'm dealing with... between my stress and my bad diet, it's adding to my borderline hypoglycemia. And after my morning meeting, I also watched in horror as my moodswing went crazy. Another sign.

So, what does that mean, dear reader? More (any) veggies. And lots of water. And maybe a trip to the doc to get something to help me sleep, if this week's events don't help, to get my balance back. Because I'm NOT quitting the gym now. I just got started.

I can't spend every day alternating between near-fainting, crying, and punching things. I just have to make it through the week.

August 14, 2007

gotta get over this

So, there's been further action on the GigaFarm. News from GigaDad is that their neighbor is attempting to get financing for the money to buy the farm. He still doesn't know if it will happen, but he's hopeful.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to adjust to the fact that I will no longer have anyplace to go to get away, and even less of a tie to my hometown. I mean, even if my parents buy a house in town, I'll be able to go visit, but I cant see wanting to. Sure, I want to see my parents now and then, but I think this is the last of my caring to spend a weekend. And I don't see wanting to go to the fall festival if there's no farm to go see and spend time at.

I know half of this is my being depressed, ill, not sleeping well, and generally in poor spirits, but the other half isn't. I'm really upset. I cried at my desk earlier today, and that doesn't happen. Ever. Like I said, I'd be a little upset if I'd grown up in the city and they sold the house, I suppose. But this was more. And it was going to be mine. I was emotionally attached to the land.

I cant afford it. It will be gone. The coal company will buy it, too, eventually, when their neighbor gets foreclosed on, and the whole hill will be blasted away for coal, eventually to be covered back up with sumac and honey locust. Yes, I'm fucking bitter.

I can rationalize. It's not mine. It never was. It wasn't my grandparents' land... that's all gone, too. All I had was 30 years of history.

I'm just feeling squished. I have to get past this. It's just land. It's just tangible assets. Stuff. Stuff that my dad is selling and I can't afford to buy. God, I'm still carrying a grudge from the last time he did this.

Rationalizing doesn't make it feel any better.

August 6, 2007


I'm starting to believe I can't get a good night's rest anymore.

Between the cat, my ongoing nightly paranoia, the not-quite nightmarish but still disturbing dreams (which made me go check all the doors), and general mental disarray... I'm ready for my medications, please...

Add all that to the fact that my folks are talking about selling their farm now. I did a "WTF?" on the phone when I heard that. I'm pretty sure I literally said the words.

"You seriously would take (x amount of money)?"
Yep. The first person who offers.
"And do what?"
Move to the city.
It's getting too much for us. It takes me a day just to mow the grass.
"Dad, it used to take ME a day to mow the grass."
Well, I could do it in 3 hours, but then I wouldn't be able to walk. And as it is, it's not good for me.

I'm still not sure how I feel. I told Nala that I probably wouldn't care, if I had grown up in the city, but to me, being able to return there, to enjoy the space and the silence, whether or not the house is still standing, is important. Many of the out-buildings are already gone (milk house, barn, coop, and most of the machine shed). He thinks I should talk to my mom about it, but I don't think that will do any good. If he can get that price, I won't have any say.

I don't have an extra $300/month to throw at it. I guess I need to think quickly about what I could offer. I did tell my dad to call me if he really did get an offer. He just chuckled. You see, he would actually sell it without asking me if I wanted it.

It's not about sentimentality, or memories, or anything. It's about cold hard cash, and if he could get more from somebody else, he would. I understand, but I don't like it.

For years, to believe (and even be told) that something will be yours, passed down, and then be told "sorry, you don't have enough money for it, and some stranger does" and then watch as your beloved whatever disappears into the ether... It just burns me.

I have to get over this or find a way to make it work.